My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I didn't notice because vodka
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
