I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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