just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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