4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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