I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
