I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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