So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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