My dream of liquor pitchers came true
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
