god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
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At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
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Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
there is puke in my bra ... again
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