she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize