This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!