last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.