Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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