So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
