We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
