So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
