How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
