his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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