come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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