I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
is wine microwaveable?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
