2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Did I show you my penis last night?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
