Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
