I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
