White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
