i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
