rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
