Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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