i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
