Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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