I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
