who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
