Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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