How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
