Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
