so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
