I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I stole a fireplace last night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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