The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
