I think my fart just growled at me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
