There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
