I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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