my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I looked at my own cervix.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
