so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
