Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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