I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
