I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
