No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
