like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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