I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
