I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
