We got so high we made milksteak
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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