So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams