I smell stomach acid.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.