My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
