Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
