3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
