Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
