I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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