someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She told me I should be a condom model.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The ass gains better be worth it
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